Guest Post: M's Family's Journey

Today's post is from a very special mama! "M"'s family has completed two adoptions for their daughters, R and E. If you are on the AGCI facebook page or listserve, you are very familiar with M because she is one of the most encouraging, generous mamas of the bunch! She is always ready to ofter wisdom and support!

Cocooning is something that most people aren't familiar with, but it is so important to children who are adopted.  My girls are ages 4 and 3 now.  R has been home a little over 4 years, and E has been home almost 2.5.  When they first came home, it was hard to explain to people why they couldn't hold the baby or why my husband and I had to be ones to change her and feed her.  I know sometimes people felt offended (I remember in particular a co-worker of mine and a certain family member), but I often explain to people by saying that the long-term needs of my child outweigh the short-term needs of the adults.  This phrase goes for everyone-- the child, the parents, the grandparents, the family, the friends...  When a child comes home, his or her needs are the priority, or at least they should be.  Both my children are Ethiopian, and their little worlds were turned upside down when they came home.  Everything was new and different and scary for them.  R was very small-- only 3 months old-- but E was 10 months old and had a hard time adjusting to life at home at first.  Her heart was broken, and she was terrified.  She needed time to feel secure, time for her heart to mend, and time for her to be able to trust again.  After all, in her world, mommas are people who leave you forever, so why should she trust me?  A child who is adopted must be given time to feel secure again, to be able to love again, to be able to trust again.  Cocoon is a critical piece of that.

 

As an adoptive parent, I have the responsibility to help my children feel secure, loved, and safe.  In most cases, a child raised in his or her biological family does not experience the loss my children have experienced.  At ages 3 months and 10 months when they came home, we were our girls' 4th set of care givers.  Both of them had lost their Ethiopian familes, and everything in their lives had been turned upside down.  When they came home, cocooning was one way that my husband and I tried to help our children's hearts heal.  Yes, they were infants, but I have also come to realize that people do not give infants enough credit.  My sweet daughters needed to know who their parents were, where they were, and that they would never leave them. 

 

As the friend or family member of someone who is bringing home a child, there are some things you can do to help them out.  First of all, support them and respect them.  Even if you do not agree with their parenting decisions, they are the parents, and they are doing what they feel is in the best interest of their child(ren).  Remember, the long term needs of the child outweigh the short term needs of adults.  While it may feel hurtful that the new adoptive parents don't allow you to hold their child, give them a bottle, change them, or even tell the child you love them, the child's needs must be at the forefront.  Everything in their lives has been shaped by loss up until this point.  A second way you can help the new parents is by offering to run errands for the, bring them dinner, come over during the child's naptime or after he or she has gone to be for the night, or offer to take other children in the home for an outing.  Third, be patient.  Cocooning is a season, just like all parts of life.  The season for cocooning will end, and when the time is right, you'll be able to love on the baby.   Until the child and the parents are ready, this is the way to show love-- through support of the decisions the parents are making out of love for their child.

 

Is cocooning hard?  Yes, it definitely is.  But is it worth it?  Most definitely!