Strong as a Mother

I've seen a shirt online that says "Strong as a Mother." Honestly, I kind of want this shirt. Because nothing has made me aware of my strength (and weakness, HELLO!) like becoming a mom.

I entered into motherhood with full intentions of being an awesome, devoted, fully-present stay at home mother. We adopted our first child, knowing that it would be hard and challenging but also worth every sacrifice. We were later surprised/ shocked at the arrival of our daughters, and during each pregnancy I doubted my abilities to parent the next child that would soon arrive. We are soon approaching the 10 year anniversary of our decision to adopt, and we are almost eight years into parenting (kids being 8, 6, and almost 3 now!).

Being a mom has been a showcase for my weakness. Oh my, I am so aware of my shortcomings. Lack of patience, need for routine, despise for being trapped in a small apartment, inability to have multiple devices/noises happening at the same time, poor meal planning, and terrible housewife skills, etc etc.

There's no scripture I relate to more than when Paul says that he boasts in his weaknesses, because they point to Christ. I am a poster-board picture of being weak and therefore showing that I can't, but God can. I am SO LIMITED in my levels of grace and patience, yet God shows up in me through the Holy Spirit. He has provided me friends and family that have supported us through hard seasons. And he has given us unending adoration of these three kiddos who are so wonderful and hard and silly and annoying and all the things that kids are. I am truly blessed and when they are asleep at night, I look back on pictures and videos and just melt at how awesome they are. Even when there are moments that are just achingly tough, I can look back and see God's grace woven through these last ten years as we have walked through so many hard moments.

So, because I am in the mood to showcase God's grace and favor in the hard. Here are a few things that make me feel strong.

- Doing homework with Edith even when she and I don't care about it, and it can take up to an hour to write 5 sentences and do basic first grade math.

- Laundromat with a toddler strapped to my back.

- Being punched in the face repeatedly by a large kid and not retaliating or showing that it affects me.
- Taking multiple kids to the doctors office by myself.

- Crying to strangers in public places (Sesame Place workers, people on the street, check-out line attendants). Sometimes things are just really hard and I know that it is okay to just cry about it.

- Advocating for my son by being on the phone for hours to accomplish one tiny thing in the giant web of things that must be advocated for.

- Keeping really detailed records and filing system for all the special-needs stuff.

- Skipping out on some parent-involvement stuff at my kids' schools because it is okay to set boundaries and they are still little, so it doesn't really matter.

- Exercising even though having a toddler interfere is not easy, and it can be inconvenient to go to the gym. I know that I have to lift an 80 pound kid every day, so being strong physically is good for all of us.

- Going back to work because I needed an outlet, I enjoy working, and it has given me a space to be ME without being tied to my husband or kids. Being a working parent takes a lot of juggling and planning.

- Creating a sensory bin for the kids even though loose rice makes me cringe and gives me wedding night flashbacks (my brothers dumped rice all over our car and suitcases). Sensory play is good for them! I can get over myself.

- Sticking to a bible reading plan and filling my soul with gospel food.

- Crying in stairwells at church or hiding in Israel's bedroom chair hoping no one will find me for just a few minutes. Because - it is okay!

- Learning to parallel park a van in NYC street parking.

- Going on adventures with kids because staying home = tv time and going out = fresh air. It takes so much more work but it is good for all of us.

- Bundling 3 kids in coats, gloves and hats. At this point all three still need help getting out the door, up and down the stairs (well, Edith is MOSTLY independent but she still needs help!) and in strollers or scooters. I do this by myself and many days I laugh/cry/lose my mind but we still get where we need to go!

- Letting things go when they are over. I can't teach my kids to hold grudges, because I want to show them grace. One of the biggest lessons in grace this year was when I gave Edith "the Popsicle she didn't deserve" after some major disobedience. We talked about that popsicle and grace for weeks afterwards.

- Sometimes getting sassy with others (hello Mr. Librarian who I have written a feisty email about) and sometimes just laughing because it is "Special Needs Awareness Day" aka we are making everyone around us aware of special needs.

- I have learned to give myself grace and let go of things, like my expectations. I have learned to rest and to take sleeping pills when I need to. I have learned to give myself a pep talk at 2 pm because the next 5 hours are about to be challenging.

These things on the list show me that God has been with me. He has equipped me to guide these three precious souls into adulthood, and I know I am going to get a lot wrong, but every adult needs therapy, right? And I am doing the best I can. This experience is shaping me and refining me, pointing me to Jesus. I'm thankful for the honor of mothering Israel, Edith and Annie. They are making me a strong woman!