Taking the Stairs

There are times that my anger can be sparked so easily by my child’s disability. I am not really angry at him, but I am angry that I cannot control him. I want him to quickly and easily do the things that I want him to do, but he cannot or will not. For example, when we he gets off the bus, he must remain at the door until the bus has rolled out of view. If I try to make him go inside when the bus is still visible, he will tantrum or walk away from me. Once the bus has rolled away, then he will comply and walk inside. Sometimes I am impatient, or there are pressing needs upstairs. If I try to force him inside, there will be a reaction. 

Once we are in the lobby, Israel needs to have a moment to walk around and explore. He loves to look at the mailboxes, check to see if there’s snow in the courtyard, and say hello to anyone who is also in the lobby. Sometimes I have not given him enough time to do all the things on his checklist, and I risk a tantrum or his stubborn resilience when I try to force him up the stairs. When I give him the space and time to do the things he desires to do, he is happy and friendly. He will sometimes give me quick insights into his day “John….lunch…stairs.” 

If I force him to just go at the pace that I desire him to go, then he will resist. At almost 7 years old and 50+ pounds, it is very frustrating to get him to go up the stairs quickly. I have to hold his waist with one hand and push his legs up one at a time. He will try to lean back onto me so that I have to bear his weight. He will lock his legs so that if I try to nudge him up the stairs, he will fall down. 

My reaction to all of this can be so instantly angry. I do not like it when I do not get my way. I do not like to be inconvenienced. Like my child, I also have a checklist that I want to attend to. Most of all, I want him to be “normal” and to just walk up the stairs quickly and independently. There are many days that I get it right, and I have grace and patience and humor to help Israel in the way that he wants to be helped. Unfortunately, there are many days that I fail. 

As I write this my son has only been walking up the stairs “independently” for less than two years. Two years ago I cried in shock as he surprised me with how he held onto the rail and lifted his leg and pushed himself up the stairs in our apartment building. Now I have high expectations and I want him to just be a 7 year old. So often I forget the miracle of his progression and I demand that he catch up to a standard that is not fair for him. 

One of the main takeaways of the stairwell is to know that things will happen in time. There have been seasons of my life where I carried multiple children up the stairs at one time. There have been seasons when I risked a miscarriage by carrying my child and yet I had to do what was necessary. There are days now that I ask my 5 year old to supervise my toddler on her route up the stairs, so that I can slowly guide my disabled son up the stairs. One day I may not worry about the stairs. There won’t be anger or anxiety based on walking in our lobby and thinking about how the next few minutes will go. It is healthy to look back on how we made it through the harder times and trust that there will be respite and reward in the future. And even if the stairs are my nemesis forever, there is grace in the good days that we have.