Dying to Self

DYING TO SELF. 

This is a lesson for all believers, but motherhood has just made this lesson a constant reminder for me. Putting things to death that are not Christ-like, and are not fun or pretty. 

Through a series of events and moments of anxiety I have been made aware of how high my expectations are for myself and my children, especially my special-needs son. I want us to look great, and to act appropriately, and to just be this perfect family picture. But we are not. 

In a moment of true weakness I told my son to "shut up." I can't believe I said that to him because we do not say that in our house. It shows how much ugliness I had in my heart that I thought that was an appropriate response to his misbehavior. He couldn't control himself in that moment and I chose not to give him grace nor try to meet his needs. I wanted him to get over it and be "normal." 

Being a special needs mom involves lots of losses, big and small. There are moments (wedding moments, doctor appointment moments) where I just want to blend in and not stand out- but I cannot control all of the circumstances nor the behaviors around me. I just have to control my own response. In these hard trials (oh the SUFFERING!) I have a choice to lean in to the spirit, or to react out of my flesh. 

I must confess that I have a lot of anxiety about events. Even just knowing I have three weeks of my 3 kids being at home all day every day makes me want to hide under the covers. I know I can do it, but it is going to be hard. I'm going to have to die to self- to put myself last and to serve others all day long. I don't want to do it! I want to have quiet, I want to have a cup of coffee alone. But that isn't my life, it isn't my circumstances. I need to learn the secret to being content in every day moments. That is to lean in to Christ. I must remember that for me to live a life that is worthy of God's glory - it involves dying to self. I have to pour out. To make the juice cups, vacuum the goldfish again and again.