Guest Post: Stone's Attachment Journey

We have another very special guest post today! Ginny is another AGCI Ethiopia mama, who has a precious son named Stone! I had the blessing of meeting Ginny at Created for Care, and she really is just as sweet as she seems online :). Here's a bit of their testimony of attachment so far:

 

We got home with Stone (20 months) the week before Thanksgiving-actually the Friday before.  So, we obviously stayed close to home that week-our girls were out of school-neat time that we got to all hang out and get to know each other.  Well, on Thanksgiving day or maybe that Friday, we went to Brian's parents house for Thanksgiving dinner.  The girls were excited and seriously who stays home and eats left over BBQ on Thanksgiving?  So, we made our pies and went ahead.  Stone was fine-Brian or I held him mostly the whole time.  After the meal, as dessert was being passed out, we put him down and he ran around- he was fine.

Now-a little background-my MIL is super great.  We told her about all the issues with bonding/attachment and she is really good about letting us deal with our kiddos how we want to and not trying to overstep.  She hadn't held him at that point.

So, we are passing out dessert and he walks up to her-she's holding a plate with pie on it- he patted her leg, said "mama" and pointed to the pie plate.  I think right then she knew all that we had been trying to tell her about attachment was  super important.  She did great and didn't give him the pie-I was standing right there and scooped him up. Clearly it was time to leave.  It was a good remainder for us of how truly important staying home and keeping his world small really was and it was a good learning/seeing time for my in-laws.

Ok-all that to say, that with some people it might take an actual experience to really get it.  

Stone needed some pretty major dental work done ASAP when we got home.  We scheduled his surgery for just after Christmas.  He was going under general anesthesia since he needed 10 crowns and 6 fillings.  It didn't take any medical training to know that his little teeth were rotten!  So, we were at the outpatient center and they called us back to see him when the surgery was over.  He was a total mess.  Crying, moaning, screaming, crying more, trying to figure out the weird feeling of coming out of the anesthesia.  The nurses were most helpful and shut the door to our recovery room (so now we are sweating!) and telling us to, "do whatever will comfort him".  Hum, we didn't really know him all the well (only 5 weeks!) and didn't really know what in the world to do.  They finally sent us home with him still very upset and crying.  Oh my.  It was really not a high point in our attachment process-we saw just how far we had to go.  He eventually calmed down when we got home.  I held him for several hours while he napped off and on.  Oh goodness.  We knew that we needed to really focus on figuring out this amazing child that we didn't have the privilege of knowing from birth. 

Now, we have been home for almost 5 months.  Stone is doing really great.  Just in the last few weeks he will come to me when he gets hurt and say, "momma kiss" as he holds up his finger that I can't see anything wrong with!  I love it.  If there's a more serious injury that involves crying, he runs to me with his arms open.  We were at an Ethiopian adoption family group last weekend and he clung to Brian or me most of the time.  Like wouldn't let us put him down.  I loved it-he trusted that we would take care of him.  He checks in with me when we are playing outside in the yard. I love it.  There's no more crying when we put him down for bed or nap-he trusts that we will be there when he gets up.  Sometimes he says, "bye bye mommy!" when I put him down and greets me again when I go get him up.  I love it.  These are all things that we didn’t even notice and came so naturally with our girls.  But with Stone, we have had to work for them.  

It is a lot of work getting to this point and I know that we still have more work to do.  It takes a whole effort from both parents and the extended family too.  It's a bummer not letting family members hold him, feed him, change him, especially when you need a break because you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since before you left for Ethiopia!  And it's a major bummer for close relatives and friends too.   But know that you are doing the best thing by your child. You guys, these kiddos are just so adorable that most normal people cannot resist them!  Be patient and remember that most everyone means well.   

We still stay home a lot.  Our days are filled with playing ball, trucks, blocks, swinging, walking in the stroller (my new exercise initiative-the gym is obviously out!), looking at critters outside, and just being together.  It is really so much fun!  When we first got home, I put him in the ergo at the grocery store or Target-yes, you get some weird looks walking into Target with a 30-pound Ethiopian strapped to you, but it was totally worth it!  

I think now, that if I had stood up and bounced Stone after that surgery, he would have been able to calm down.  I am sad that I didn't know that at the time, but I am really glad that now I know exactly what to do with this precious little boy that God designed.