Family Education Coordinator Call / A Brief Insight into Cocooning
Last Thursday, Will and I had a phone conference with our Family Education Coordinator, "E" (Not to be confused with B, our first case manager, or T, our current case manager)! It was really fun talking with her about what the coming months (especially after bringing Israel home). We talked a lot about our transition plan (a document we completed and sent in with our referral paperwork that discusses what resources are around here, plus our "plan" for transitioning Israel to our home/family).
We discussed that Israel is going to have been through some extreme losses when he comes to us, and talked a little bit about how that grief can manifest itself (sleeping a lot, disconnecting from us). You see, Israel already lost his birthmother (whom he connected with in the womb), then was moved to Hannah's Hope, where he will be accustomed to a routine and special mothers. Then, he will be taken from his country, the language, the skin color of his caregivers, the noises of lots of kids, the smells, etc... and he won't understand what parents are. By the time he comes home, he's been through some great losses, and so we have to learn how to help him process that grief and love him through it.
In addition to that, she gave us some great insight into "cocooning" - a term that many of you know if you're deep in the adoption community. Cocooning is a time period after you bring home your child in which you focus on bonding/attachment with your child. This means very minimal amounts of leaving our home, not passing around Israel (even for family members), not going to church (well, me & Israel) for a few weeks, wearing him in the Ergo 6-8 hours a day, avoiding over-stimulation, him sleeping in our room in the pack & play, bottle feeding, not letting him feed himself, rocking him to sleep (even though he won't be used to that), etc. Also, Will & I are going to be the only ones to feed him and change his diapers, aka meet his needs in any way for a long time (no babysitters). We want him to learn that we are his primary caregivers and we are not going anywhere. He's used to self soothing and being passed around. We need to teach him what a mom and dad is- that we will meet his needs and love him.
Now I know sometimes it can seem really extreme but it isn't forever. There are some things we may stick to the books about and some things that we are more flexible on, it all depends on how Israel accommodates and what his needs are. If we start to be more flexible around 3 months and realize that he's not ready to meet a lot of strangers or go to the store, we'll figure out how to meet his needs. Where this will get difficult is that Will is on staff with a large church, and I'm sure there are some well-intentioned people who won't be able to resist loving on him. He's adorable, remember? I think one of my biggest fears when looking ahead at cocooning is that people will get their feelings hurt in the process, because I will be so private with him and won't be so willing for people to just drop by or hold him. The way we parent him will look a lot different from other families at first. I know that in the grand scheme, Israel is my priority and I need to get over people-pleasing and trust that what time we invest into attachment with him in the beginning will pay off!
"E" gave us a lot of good advice on the first few months and answered a lot of questions that we had. It is great to have these conversations now, and to hear some of the tips we've heard along the way reiterated.
So as we look ahead to the time after Israel is home, I would appreciate: (1. Your grace in us being so private/going through cocooning (2. Prayers for Israel as he goes through some deep losses (3. Support as we cocoon and focus our energy on our son so he will bond with us.
So...veteran adoptive parents, chime in! What are your tips on cocooning? Sound off in the comment section so that I (and other adoptive parents/ support system friends) can hear what worked for you and what was good for friends to know. What advice would you give to friends of adoptive parents who cocoon?
We discussed that Israel is going to have been through some extreme losses when he comes to us, and talked a little bit about how that grief can manifest itself (sleeping a lot, disconnecting from us). You see, Israel already lost his birthmother (whom he connected with in the womb), then was moved to Hannah's Hope, where he will be accustomed to a routine and special mothers. Then, he will be taken from his country, the language, the skin color of his caregivers, the noises of lots of kids, the smells, etc... and he won't understand what parents are. By the time he comes home, he's been through some great losses, and so we have to learn how to help him process that grief and love him through it.
In addition to that, she gave us some great insight into "cocooning" - a term that many of you know if you're deep in the adoption community. Cocooning is a time period after you bring home your child in which you focus on bonding/attachment with your child. This means very minimal amounts of leaving our home, not passing around Israel (even for family members), not going to church (well, me & Israel) for a few weeks, wearing him in the Ergo 6-8 hours a day, avoiding over-stimulation, him sleeping in our room in the pack & play, bottle feeding, not letting him feed himself, rocking him to sleep (even though he won't be used to that), etc. Also, Will & I are going to be the only ones to feed him and change his diapers, aka meet his needs in any way for a long time (no babysitters). We want him to learn that we are his primary caregivers and we are not going anywhere. He's used to self soothing and being passed around. We need to teach him what a mom and dad is- that we will meet his needs and love him.
Now I know sometimes it can seem really extreme but it isn't forever. There are some things we may stick to the books about and some things that we are more flexible on, it all depends on how Israel accommodates and what his needs are. If we start to be more flexible around 3 months and realize that he's not ready to meet a lot of strangers or go to the store, we'll figure out how to meet his needs. Where this will get difficult is that Will is on staff with a large church, and I'm sure there are some well-intentioned people who won't be able to resist loving on him. He's adorable, remember? I think one of my biggest fears when looking ahead at cocooning is that people will get their feelings hurt in the process, because I will be so private with him and won't be so willing for people to just drop by or hold him. The way we parent him will look a lot different from other families at first. I know that in the grand scheme, Israel is my priority and I need to get over people-pleasing and trust that what time we invest into attachment with him in the beginning will pay off!
"E" gave us a lot of good advice on the first few months and answered a lot of questions that we had. It is great to have these conversations now, and to hear some of the tips we've heard along the way reiterated.
So as we look ahead to the time after Israel is home, I would appreciate: (1. Your grace in us being so private/going through cocooning (2. Prayers for Israel as he goes through some deep losses (3. Support as we cocoon and focus our energy on our son so he will bond with us.
So...veteran adoptive parents, chime in! What are your tips on cocooning? Sound off in the comment section so that I (and other adoptive parents/ support system friends) can hear what worked for you and what was good for friends to know. What advice would you give to friends of adoptive parents who cocoon?
First of all: YOU CAN DO IT. You can, you will and you will reap amazing rewards for sticking with it. Just keep trucking even on the days when you feel like your head is going to explode because you haven't left the house in 2 1/2 weeks. As Dorie says "just keeps swimming" or as I would rap on those days "yall gon make me lose my mind", ha. but seriously you got this!
ReplyDeleteSecondly: I'm so glad you are going to try to wear him for hours every day! Obviously I couldn't wear A but I can see the rewards of sleeping with him for the 5 1/2 home that I did. He feels extremely comfortable with me physically. He has no problem laying himself all over me, playing with my hair and he melts into me when he's upset. I really think that the majority of this comfort level came from cosleeping and i think the same will come from you wearing Israel.
Third: You will have off days. AND IT'S OKAY. There might be days when you feel like he hasn't attached at all. We have had off days but just keep going at it strong and it will come back. I truly believe that push us away to see if we will let them. don't let him. And sometimes it will fee like he has been home with you forever and in the grand scheme of life he has only been home with you for a short amount of time.
And finally, don't put a time limit on cocooning with him. 6 months in and we still have weeks when we pull tightly back into our little cocoon. It's so worth it for these little guys!!!
Bekah, you are already a great mom to Israel! I know that you are going to do an amazing job at making him feel safe, secure and loved. Cannot wait for him to be in your arms. Love you friend.
oh that comment was from me. ha sorry, didn't realized i wasn't signed in.
ReplyDeleteCocooning makes a lot of sense. Don't feel bad. You have to do what's best for your son. And in the grand scheme of things this period will only last for a short while. Soon he'll be ready to fully experience his new life and meet all your friends, etc.
ReplyDeleteI found this post to be very informative. My husband and I are just beginning the adoption process. I have heard a lot already about attachment and bonding. It sounds a if you have a wonderful plan- based on both advice and your personal decision to adapt it as you as parents see fit.
ReplyDeleteI am very excited for you. God will lead you to do the best thing for your son. And, I have a feeling that motherly instinct will click really soon.
You may be so surprised! When our Sophia came home from Congo two months ago, the bonding and attachment was instantaneous! Of course, we didn't let anyone feed her/change her or hold her when she cried. She dictated to US what she needed. She did not want others to hold her right away, she just wanted US.
ReplyDeleteSo please, let him dictate what he needs. Also, it seems to others (and us!) that we have had her since birth, but she was 8 months when she came to us (2 weeks old at the time of referral). We still won't let anyone feed or change her or console her BUT she is so thrilled to interact and play with others.
Feel free to email me with any questions! I think you know who this is....I ordered several of the Congo totes and recently the two owls :)